Confession: I have Postpartum Depression

 I haven’t spoke about it to anyone except my husband, why? I can’t answer that but I think its partly to do with the fact that I just don’t want to admit it to myself.  As I write this Im sitting in the restaurant of my hotel where I am staying for work.  What symptoms do I have? Well, to start at times I feel disconnected with my family, I see my boys playing and I love them, but I try to dissosocate.  I worry that the world will treat them badly and I want to protect them from that. I don’t want to them to get hurt but then I just don’t engage. I want to protect them but worry that circumstances will take them from me, everything from marriage to school, so how do I protect myself from getting hurt, I try not to get emotionally invested.  

Im going to see a doctor on Monday about this but its something that I have been struggling with since my first son was born.  I think it was easier to deal with for me since I only had to worry about one, but now with two babies, its become unbearable.  I worry all the time, I tend to over compensate for the lack of interaction though my crafting or party planning and at times, I just scream. If you ask everyone I know they will describe me in the following terms: I talk a lot, I have a lot of engery, I’m extremely intelligent, I’m a lot of fun, and I care a lot.  You would never know that I have what I have.  I am not myself, Im overly emotional and sensitive. Anything makes me cry like seriously anything.  I am overly emotional, which is not me, I was never or at least that I can remember in the last few years never really sensitive to bullshit, to be honest, but I am now.  I hate feeling this way, and it was thanks to my instagram friend Michele that has made me finally come out and admit it to myself.   Shes an excellent writer.  Since thats her profession and this is just a hobby and outlet of mine so I don’t go entirely crazy, if you don’t yet follow her please do she’s amazing, and I will continue to write about my journey and let you all know how it all turns out.  I know this is short but I really don’t know what else to say, this is me being real. Please reach out to me if you know what I am going though or if you can just be a positive person in my blogger/instagram life.